“When you reach the end of what you should know, you will be at the beginning of what you should sense.”
I sat in meditation today and simply felt. I probably shouldn’t use the word “simply”, there is nothing simple about feeling what I am used to pushing away. I felt heartache/disconnect/abandonment from just below my belly to my heart; the pain running along my center line. I felt a situation where I believed I’d made a mistake, wished something had gone different; right in my throat like I was being choked. I felt the sense of insecurity from my heart along my arms, the worst tingling sensation where I thought I might actually have to feel this for a lifetime. I felt sadness through one tear streaming down my face, then my eyes began to swell and my head throbbed.
This might sound crazy and for a moment I thought I was crazy. Wouldn’t taking a drink of my warm coffee sitting in front of me soothe me out of this pain? What if I picked up the phone that was playing chimes on the floor next to me and texted my grievances to a friend? Why wouldn’t I just stop and chose to sit at a time when I wasn’t so reactive or had forgotten about all my woes? Of course I thought of all these reactions but I knew what I had to do. I had to feel. I had to sit with the pain, the discomfort, in order to remember that I am not these things. I had to take my power back over them.
I felt into each area, into the horrible discomfort and took a breath. I soothed myself with the knowing of the beliefs that years of practice have assured me of. That we are indeed a spark of the divine. That the Universe wants us to succeed. That there is an invisible intelligence that pervades all of life. That without fail the sun will rise in just a few short moments and set at the end of the day. That I am powerful beyond measure and I have choices in each moment to change my damning circumstances. I felt my breath even out, as if it was rubbing my back saying; “it will be OK”. I was able to remember and begin again. This remembering felt like a warmth of a summer day or the coziness of a fire as you snuggle on the couch. I will admit it was tiny, very small right in the center of my chest. But it didn’t actually have to be big, it was powerful enough to center me, pull me out of chaos of the perceived reality of my imagination and drop me right back into to present time where something bigger than me was in charge. Something beyond my ego was taking over. It felt empowering and yet compassionate and forgiving and easy and light and courageous.
All too often I run from the feelings that I don't want to experience because I believe that the pain will be too much to bear. So in those brief moments of meditation, rather than the heaviness that can sometimes accompany being human weighing me down, I allowed my soul to lighten it. Feeling the pain fully actually moved me through it and smack into who I am beyond it. And that.... is simply radiant.
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.”